| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2009|01:10 am] |
In this episode of My Favorite Thing to View, Dose One, my favorite rapper, musician, cage fighter teaches a freestyle rap class at a youth center in the Bay Area. Xlr8r tv filmed a bit of it.
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| Will Werk 4 fewd |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|11:32 pm] |
"From 5th – 8th August 2010, we are thrilled to bring you "Meet the Man (MTM)." This will be Richard Dean Anderson's first one man event. The event will kick off on Thursday 5th August with an exclusive cocktail party for 80 lucky Charmed Pass holders. These optional extra ticket upgrades are highly sought after and allow for entry to the cocktail party dinner which Richard will attend and circulate the tables. For all attendees there will then follow three full days of activities. The ticket price will include all the main hall activities as well as one in person autograph from Richard and a professionally taken photograph opportunity for every attendee. The format for the event will be similar to Amanda's GABIT AT Events, with the number of attendees limited to around 350 only."
I'm starting a fund to send me to this event. We have one year. Let's do this people. Let's send me into Richard Dean Anderson's arms.
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| Goof Troop Season 3 Box Set |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|09:48 pm] |
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I just tried to put a pen behind my ear but there was already a pen behind my ear so I knocked the current pen behind my ear onto the floor to make room for the current pen behind my ear. Now there's blood everywhere and I don't know what to do. |
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| To a woman so heartless |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|09:45 pm] |
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I got a terrible haircut by a woman named Rosemary because she wouldn't shut the fuck up about her skin cancer. |
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| Ghostz |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|09:38 pm] |
If I die tonight I pray this is the last thing I see.
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| I have been floated |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|10:29 pm] |
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I just did a google search for "Must have iphone apps" and now I feel like my soul has left my body. My thing is, if my soul stuck around for all that stuff I did to that dude that one time, what in the fuck is so bad about iPhone apps? Maybe another two hour shower will fix the problem... |
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| ATTENTION |
[Jun. 14th, 2009|10:52 pm] |
Oh hey, I'm glad you stopped by. Have you heard about the coolest new blog? Oh you have? Well fuck you, you just ruined the joke. Well whatever. I started a new website. I realize it looks like garbage but I'm working on it.
Eatblog.net
EatBlog is a new food blog starring myself and other live journal heavyweights such as ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) drfunmd , zzzing , and eraserhed . We will blog the shit out of food. You like food? Don't be a jerk, read our blog. Want some recipes and amazing photos? Stop being a fanny and come read our blog. I didn't mean all those awful things. Check us out, friend. We're new but we've got pep.
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| I need a private number |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|11:36 pm] |
Here are the five strangest text messages I received today:
5) "Ivan, u done me wrong. U o me an xplanashun. pick up corn on the way home"
4) "Payment Confirmation on 'Golden Sword' successful. Please follow download link to obtain your sword product. Purchase order number #4453
3) "Lewis! Lewis.....lewis.........LEWISSSS! Lewis. LEW IS LEW IS LEWIS!!!! LEWISSS!!!!! L3WIS!!@ LEWISSSSSS!!! LEWLESS!!!!! LEWLEWLEWLEWLELWLEWFKJDKfffeofkdfffffffffffffffff "
2) "Choose the sword and you will join me...Choose the ball and you join your mother in death. You don't understand my words; but you must choose....TEXT "1" TO CHOOSE THE SWORD, TEXT "22" TO CHOOSE THE STONE!!!!"
1) "SIR, NOT SURE THIS WILL REACH YOU...OUTER GATES ARE DOWN...DROP SHIPS KEEP REINFORCING THE FRONT LINES...WE ARE DOOMED...THE HIVE HAS DOUBLED IN SIZE...PVT FIRST CLASS ABERNATHY SIGNING OFF FEB 21, 2097" |
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| Kim Defeats Dragon Lord |
[May. 25th, 2009|02:23 pm] |
Kim awok3 to tehe sownd of SOUL Cristals sonding in her ears. "Teh draogon Lord is Awoken!" she thot! She dashed to her litler box and plulled secrent handel to reevale a starekase taht semed to spyral down for hourses. She spurng into akshun bye leeping down teh stiars and into armore room and wepons room. She put on on spirrit armor X 2 and weelded sword wepon of desstny. "Drogon loRd, your days end today!" Kim showted as Kim lept out of wepons lare.
Kim landed on battlefeeled where dRagon Lord was burnnig up a villiager in his gren hand! "Shall we meet agan!" Kim hurled the words as she lunjed at drAgon Lordd with atttaking sord of doom! "My breth will put hot on you, Kimk, and you will be burned for all eternty and you will nevr ecscape me my cluches!" Kim bloked the hotfire by sording teh fire in too. Draygon Lard showted "U WEELD DETSTINY SOWRD1? BUT HOW CANNOT U TUCH TATH SWWORD! IT FORJED FRUM TEH FIRE WORLOD! " Just as Dgon Lord was speaking that_wrds Kim Put UTLTIMATT SWNORD OF DSETINY ento D-loRd's gren belly! "U SEEA I HAV BEEN TO FIRE WORLDS AND TEH KEEPR OF SORED SED TO ME TO KILL U BECUZ U HAV DISOBAYYED HIS LORD ORDRS!" I AM TEH INVNCIBLE!" Dragorn Lornd's guts felled to teh erth be low as he g;urggled "I curesd u KiM slayr3! I weEll retern to avange ma DeTH!!!!!!!!"
Theh Draong Lorad wus dead. Suddnenly a ranebow appeered in teh sky! "it's a goodD day", kIm thot, "...a Gdood day 4 JUSTCE!" Suddnly Kim grew Roaket Legs adn blatsted off too teh MoOn for a well-erned snakc!!!
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| SCIENCE |
[May. 13th, 2009|12:01 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Tallest man on earth - the gardener | ] |
Dear Birds that live below my porch,
Fuck you. I know the downstairs neighbors feed you many great seeds and nectars and such. So why do you feel the need to come up to my porch and eat all my god damned plants. You fucked my bell pepper plants. You fucked my entire herb garden. You get infinite seed on the porch below me. Why must you ruin my life? Why? I can only assume this is your dinosaur ancestors coming out because we all know dinosaurs were huge dickheads. World renowned cockbags. I've seen Jurassic Park 47 times. In summation, fuck you, you avian cunts. Leave my garden alone or I will have no choice but to let Kim double-rape you in an abandoned medical supply factory. I'm not joking.
Wolf'd,
Clay |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2009|11:49 pm] |
IT'S TIME FOR CLAY'S HISTORICAL FACTZ! DID YOU KNOW...
George Washington, our first president, died a virgin.
Although many portraits exists, it is common knowledge that Benjamin Franklin never existed.
Abraham Lincoln's world famous "I have a dream" speech was mostly plagiarized from a speech made by a local shop owner years earlier advertising free mobile cell phone rates.
Napoleon Bonaparte always kept his hand tucked in his vest because he was holding his intestines in his body after losing a duel with John Calvin.
After researching thousands of journal entries and texts, historians believe that John F. Kennedy is the true originator of Twitter. His family is owed millions of dollars.
German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, was well known to be addicted to opiates and is said to have owned 417 firearms. Oddly enough, his full name was the last phrase uttered by Ed Gein.
The Song of Roland was originally a how-to pamphlet describing how to get rid of unwanted guests in your home but due to centuries of translations it has become an epic poem for some reason. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2009|02:33 pm] |
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Last night I had a dream where the Beastie Boys were doing battle with The Tick but for some reason The Tick was Al Swearengen from Deadwood. I woke up and promptly exploded. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2009|10:59 pm] |
I realized today that I haven't had a Certs in years. I also got a really bad haircut. I look like an investment banker who got a really bad haircut.. Also I fight the final boss of college on Friday. Imma uppercut college in the mouth. |
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| Concern. |
[Apr. 28th, 2009|09:12 pm] |
I'm pretty sure Kim is losing her mind.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|05:04 pm] |
I made a video for one of our world famous Space Force songs. I'm pretty sure Kevin made this song. Here is "If We Can Somehow Enslave That Inferior Race Our Profits Will Skyrocket"
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|12:10 am] |
Here are the thoughts that crossed my mind when today I saw a homeless man on a cell phone while holding a cardboard sign begging for change:
1) OMG THIS IS MY WHITE WHALE
2) Is he actually trying to hide the phone from traffic so he can still get money?
3) What is that noise?
4) Fuck, how can I still hear her screaming if she's in my trunk?
5) She just HAD to mouth off at Wal-Mart...
6) Do I LOOK like someone who wants girl scout cookies?
7) Her head split real easy...
8) OMG If Anoop gets voted off Idol tonight I'm gonna kill a 10 year old
9) Oh shit...
10) It's you and me Anoop. We're going down with the ship.
Anoop: I love you, Clay.
Clay: I love you too...Anoop...I do...
Anoop: Just where are we going?
Clay: Somewhere special...
<Clay embraces Anoop's hand>
Clay: Somewhere far far away...
<Anoop notices the clouds gathering in the sky>
Anoop: Storm's comin'
Clay: I know... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Underwater Moonlight | ] |
Thousands of years ago two mighty Bone Eaglez landed upon a Diamond Python's back and made magical love. This lasted for years while the Diamond Python traveled through the Forbidden Zone. After 427 days the Diamond Python entered the Enchanted City. The welcoming horns of the Enchanted City scared off the male Bone Eagle. Luckily they had been together just long enough. Just long enough to produce a single Prodigy Egg. The egg shone brilliantly with Ultra-Demon Light. After 600 years the egg cracked. The brood took its first breathe. At that same moment the first AIDS monkey was discovered in France. The first racist emerged in London. The first inventor emerged in Boston. Also, I was born. Happy Birthday to me. |
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| Joke Writing Fatigue |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|11:05 pm] |
Two GhostBirdz walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey we don't serve your kind here!!!" One Ghostbird says "You don't serve Mormons?" and the bartender says "No!" The other Ghostbird says, "That's fucked up..." The two Ghostsbirdz then promptly leave and go to another bar that is more accepting. |
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